7 Secrets from the Therapy Room

Relationships in the 21 st century have become increasingly challenging because of the growing tension between our demand to satisfy individualistic interests and our need to cultivate meaningful bonds. Our expectations of what our partner should be to us has reached unrealistic levels and the expectations of what a relationship needs of us has been compromised or neglected. Moreover, we’ve never been taught how to do relationships. Where have you learned to have difficult dialogues with your partner,

parent, or friend, in respectful, constructive ways? So let me share with you some relational secrets to help you honor your relationships, yourself and your significant one.

Honoring the relationship

1. Getting over yourself: the first thing that we have to re-learn about relationships is that a relationship has needs, and that those needs don’t always correspond to our needs! In relational science, 1+1=3. There is you, the other person and the relationship. If we neglect one of those variables, relational and personal dissatisfaction fester. To find authentic connection we have to sacrifice and give of ourselves even when it doesn’t always follow in with our individualistic needs. This sometimes means putting aside our ego, owning up to how we have been unskilful in relating to others, and for

both involved, turning toward the relationship and finding time to cultivate the “us” before we satisfy the “I” in the relationship.

2. Learning the basics: the classical rule of healthy relationships is using “I” statements instead of “you” statements when addressing difficult relational issues. Simple, right? Part of getting over ourselves is overcoming the tendency to point the finger at the other and taking a moment to look at what is happening within us. A great way to do that and to take a step toward the relationship is expressing how we feel about a situation in the classical form of: “When I hear you say this I feel…”

And we fill in the blank. Starting with us, rather than the other’s shortcomings, shows we are willing to dialogue (not fight) for the benefit of us.

Honoring self

3. Witnessing self: starting with “I” is a way to honor our relationships. Not only are we creating the necessary conditions for authentic connection by respecting our partner and putting aside our bruised ego, but we are by the same token paving the way in honoring self. We do so by giving ourselves a real shot at being heard and at communicating to our loved one our true fears, hopes, vulnerabilities and needs. Remember, being vulnerable is essential to intimacy. It can be hard though when feeling

overwhelmed or flooded by hurt and other difficult emotions. Seasoned couple’s expert, Daniel E. Wile suggests we act as reporters to our inner self, rather than acting out our anger or frustration. This way of witnessing self would be to say to our loved one: “I am feeling extremely reactive right now. I just feel like yelling or hurting your feelings so that you could hear and see me. I feel like I don’t matter to you”. In this way you express your hurt, your anger and your need, you prioritize honoring self while remaining connected with your significant other.

4. Love mirrors love: I believe there exists a basic fundamental law of relational satisfaction that stipulates that no love can stem from lovelessness. That it is very hard to find relational satisfaction without tending to the work of self-love. Learning to self-love is thus the cornerstone to the edification of relational contentment in the long run. The love you invest in self will mirror the love you will receive.

5. Have recovery conversations: after a fight or a hurtful misunderstanding, whether a few minutes later or a few hours or days later, make the effort of having recovery conversations. Fights, arguments, hurt, will inevitably occur in any loving relationship. We do or say things to protect ourselves from further hurt or fears. Calling a recovery conversation, after the fact, when the dust has started to settle, is a great way to create intimacy, and mend our respective wounds.

Honoring the other

6. Be curious!: start being more interested in your partner’s perspective. I always say that every individual lives in his or her own little universe unlike any other. We often mistakenly presume to know what our partner has felt or heard from what we have done or said to them; assuming “it meant exactly what I meant it to mean” and are surprised when our partner “overreacts”. Our past experiences are what constitute our singular universes. How words and actions reverberate in each specific universe is contingent of these past experiences. Thus, all the misunderstandings. Come to your partner with a perspective of not-knowing and ask questions around their reactions, if you don’t understand where it’s coming from. Be curious!

7. Invest in your loved one: to strive, any relationship needs to fill up their love tank with a profusion of compliments, acts of affection, sweet considerations and gestures directed at the other. A relationship cannot endure the challenges of the long road on an empty tank. So, don’t be afraid to mention to your partner that you see the efforts that they are making. Tell them that you appreciate their daily gifts of affection, that you notice their ways of pleasing you, etc. Fill up as much as you can on acts of love! Relationship expert John Gottman says that satisfied couples are those that have a ratio 1:5 negative to positive interactions with their partner. For every 1 negative comment, critique, smirk, or rolling back of the eyes, you should invest in your partner 5 acts of love. What is your ratio?

Love is not flowers, or the size of the diamond on an engagement ring. As love expert bell hooks says, love is commitment, responsibility, respect, care, affection, trust, recognition and honest communication. Let’s tend toward this demanding definition of love. If there is affection and care, there is affection and care, but not love. Demand what you need and love yourself to the extent that you want to be loved and be ready to invest unselfishly into your relationships. Those are my relational secrets!